Puns

“Of puns it has been said that those who most dislike them are those who are least able to utter them.” – Edgar Allen Poe

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, “I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”

2. I had a decent time today at the Toronto Jobs Fair. The man I talked to from the Navy had the best sails-pitch.

3. Four fonts walk into a bar. The bartender yells: “Hey, we don’t serve your type here!”

4. What is the motto for the French Navy? It is “To the water, it is time!” which in French is: “A l’eau, c’est l’heure!”

5. Show me where Stalin’s buried and I’ll show you a communist plot.

6. A bear walked into a bar and says, “I’ll have a beer……and some of those peanuts.” The bartender says, “Why the big pause?”

7. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat says to the other, ‘You stay here, I’ll go on a head.’.

8. I gave my pet bird a haircut, now he thinks he’s James Bond. He’s certainly a shorn canary.

9. Q: What time does Sean Connery go to Wimbledon? A: Tennish.

10. “Venison’s dear isn’t it?” – Jimmy Carr

11. A butcher bet me $500 I couldn’t reach the meat on the top shelf of his shop. I said no because the steaks were too high.

12. A music store was robbed. The thief made away with the lute.

13. A man walked into a bookbinding class. The teacher said: “Come in. Make yourself a tome.”

14. If it wasn’t for Venetian blinds, it would be curtains for us all.

15. A rule of grammar: double negatives are a no-no.

16. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

17. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

18. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

19. Did you hear about the fire at the circus? The heat was in tents.

 

(If you have a favourite pun you’d like to submit, please post it in the comment section.

5 responses to “Puns

  1. Rope walks into a bar, asks for a beer. Bartender says, “sorry, we don’t serve ropes.”
    Later, rope walks into a second bar, asks for a beer. Second bartender says, “sorry, we don’t serve ropes.”
    Frustrated, thirsty rope is in the parking lot, outside the bar and has a brilliant idea. He twists himself halfway and ties a good Half Windsor. He then takes a comb and rakes it through his top half, so that it looks like he has a pretty good ‘fro.
    Rope walks back into the bar, the bartender spots him and shouts “I thought I told you that we don’t serve ropes?!”
    Rope says “I’m not a rope, I’m a frayed knot!”

  2. Just the one:

    A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?”, they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

  3. Pingback: 2 examples of awesomeness from the Albert Liberal Party | The Equivocator

  4. Pingback: 2 examples of awesomeness from the Albert Liberal Party | Liblogs

  5. Pingback: 2 examples of awesomeness from the Alberta Liberal Party | Liblogs

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