“Of puns it has been said that those who most dislike them are those who are least able to utter them.” – Edgar Allen Poe
1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, “I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”
2. I had a decent time today at the Toronto Jobs Fair. The man I talked to from the Navy had the best sails-pitch.
3. Four fonts walk into a bar. The bartender yells: “Hey, we don’t serve your type here!”
4. What is the motto for the French Navy? It is “To the water, it is time!” which in French is: “A l’eau, c’est l’heure!”
5. Show me where Stalin’s buried and I’ll show you a communist plot.
6. A bear walked into a bar and says, “I’ll have a beer……and some of those peanuts.” The bartender says, “Why the big pause?”
7. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat says to the other, ‘You stay here, I’ll go on a head.’.
8. I gave my pet bird a haircut, now he thinks he’s James Bond. He’s certainly a shorn canary.
9. Q: What time does Sean Connery go to Wimbledon? A: Tennish.
10. “Venison’s dear isn’t it?” – Jimmy Carr
11. A butcher bet me $500 I couldn’t reach the meat on the top shelf of his shop. I said no because the steaks were too high.
12. A music store was robbed. The thief made away with the lute.
13. A man walked into a bookbinding class. The teacher said: “Come in. Make yourself a tome.”
14. If it wasn’t for Venetian blinds, it would be curtains for us all.
15. A rule of grammar: double negatives are a no-no.
16. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
17. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
18. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
19. Did you hear about the fire at the circus? The heat was in tents.
(If you have a favourite pun you’d like to submit, please post it in the comment section.